At some point in our lives, we all experience failure, rejection, and death of a loved one. Examples include: failing a test, getting rejected by the person we like, and finding out that someone close to us has passed away. When we experience these, we undergo grief.  We start feeling intense emotions, we get caught up in a loop of mess, and we start questioning ourselves.

I never really understood the dynamics of these occurrences until I learned about Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ five stages of grief. She explained that people go through at least two of the five stages, and in any order. She has also noted that even though not everyone goes through the same stages, the same pattern of behaviour is displayed by individuals going through grief.

To understand more about the five stages, we’ll take this scenario:

Hayley is an A-average student who has never failed a test in her life. One night, she went out partying and completely forgot that she had a test the next day. After she took the test, she felt an enormous amount of guilt, anger, and disappointment, because she knew that she was going to fail. A week later, her expectation became real.
Denial.  The confirmation of Hayley’s failure may result into Hayley denying that the situation did happen. Her dialogue may include: “No way. I did not just fail. I mean I knew I was not going to do well, but I never expected to fail. No, this is not right.”

Anger . After denying the failure, Hayley may start displaying feelings of anger – towards herself, to others and to her surroundings. Her dialogue may include: “I hate myself for going out partying last night. I hate my friends for not telling me that we were going to have a test. I blame my teacher for not reminding us that we were having a test.”

Bargaining. Hayley may then start thinking about compensation. ‘If-then’ scenarios play into her head. Demonstration of this behaviour may imply that Hayley would attempt optimism and suggest to herself that there may be hope. Her dialogue may include: “If I get my test re-marked, then maybe I will pass. If I explain to them my situation and ask to sit the test again, then maybe they will let me.”

Depression. When Hayley realises or when it has been factually established that her bargaining circumstances cannot be attested, she would then experience feelings of being worthless. Her dialogue may include:  “I am such a failure. My grade point average is going to slip.”

Acceptance. After feeling depressed, Hayley may engage in activities to escape from being depressed. Once this is established, she will start accepting that she has failed. She will then move on from the situation. Her dialogue may include: “I will do better next time.”

It is important to know how we feel when situations like this happen. It is also important for us to be able to acknowledge what we feel and behave so that we are able to cope and move on. This will also help us manage situations better in the future.

So, the next time you experience grief, take each step as it is and figure out the stages you’re going through. When it gets too tough, ask for help. It is okay.